1. If you are planning to train a Rhinoceros you must be certain that it wants to be trained. Most Rhino’s won’t divulge their true feelings until you try to train them – and then it will be too late.

2. The African Rhino from the latin (askerladderless bumajaanie) is an incredibly shy animal and keeps much to itself. They spend their days walking across the vast plains of Africa ripping up trees, stomping on small animals, throwing monkeys and poohing a lot.

3. They don’t fly because of the size of their horns and of course their table manners. They are not very popular in business class even if they are white rhinos and have a lot of money.

4. If you do decide to fly with your Rhino always take a large Cuddles Rhino Diaper with you. They are quite pricy but are well worth the money. If you cannot afford the Cuddles Diaper you can purchase a small circus tent or marquee – but don’t take a chance without it.

5. Rhino’s do not eat everything, their man staple diet are tree branches, wally dolly fruit from the dingalanno tree ( mainly found in Botswana) old ladies and chartered accountants.

6. They do not touch alcohol unless they’re really pissed. Although not popular amongst Rhino’s, alcohol abuse is very noticeable. You will always notice a drunk Rhino by the colour of its horn – it becomes a bright red. Another sure sign is their backside protruding from the back of a Land Rover.

7. Under the influence Rhinos tend to charge a lot mainly on Diners or Visa, so keep their credit limit low.

8. Drunk Rhino’s have been known to throw up on their hoofs (only the front) so mopping up is tricky especially in business class – so my advice to you - avoid air travel.

9. From my experience the best way to train your Rhino is to approach it in stages.

10. Always wear clean underwear so you can check to see if you’re scared.

11. Always approach the animal slowly and with caution preferably in an armored vehicle.

12. In the likely event of your Rhino charging you, breath deeply, try to think of England and burst into song - be careful though, subject to common belief Rhino’s hate country music.

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