Making an Elephant soup to most vegetarians and Presbyterians is a horrific thought, until you address the fundamentals and of course, the real issues. Soup (from the Latin, domini, partus, dominus sloppis), was discovered a 1 000 years before elephants were invented. The Roman Emperor of that time, Angostino-Who’s-Your-Daddy Dickus (around 300 000 AD – come to think of it, it could been just after that, I would suspect around 300 000 AD and twenty minutes), anyway, played a major part in the evolution of Elephant Soup.

It was on a particular Sunday afternoon at the Colosseum in Rome that Emperor Angostino-Who’s-Your-Daddy Dickus, after a heavy drinking session of Antelope sweat and Gladiator Grunge, swallowed his wife by mistake to the roaring disgust and disappointment of the crowd. The main event, which was in full swing at the time, was halted immediately as a sign of respect for the Emperor’s wife, Queen Esperanza-Bring-It-Onnus.

By the grace of the Emperor, the lives of the 400 Irish Proctologists in the main arena were spared. The Emperor was pleased, as they could no longer point a finger. In no time at all, he was surrounded by hundreds of paparazzi and malaria carrying mosquitoes, as well as the odd horse and a V8 chariot. All the Gladiators’ horses smiled on cue and with the light of the arena reflecting in their teeth, the paparazzi flashed away – you must understand, there were no electronic flashes in those days. Each of the press had a horse, and at an unknown precise moment the horses would smile and they would snap their cameras with aplomb. It is a known fact that to this day you will notice horses smile consistently in anticipation of the paparazzi sneaking a shot.

Now, you might be thinking what the hell has all of this got to do with ‘How To Make an Elephant Soup’ and of course you’re quite correct – it has absolutely nothing to do with this rare and exotic dish. But in a strange way it has. Queen Esperanza-Bring-It-Onnus was a large lady, slightly smaller then Ireland but not as large as South America and on this day, was taken by surprise when her husband accidentally swallowed her; she was totally confused by the reversal of roles.

It was on the Tuesday morning of 300 001 AD just after breakfast that the Emperor, along with 50 000 elite highly trained Roman Catholics, declared war on a Jewish panel beater Hymie Smith, who led a humble life in the valley along with his three wives, 18 children and three Lamborghinis. Hymie was beside himself and could not believe that Emperor Dickus had betrayed him, especially after the very successful franchise he had started for him; a marketing concept that stretched across the entire Roman Empire. The campaign was designed for incontinent Gladiators. On either side of the Via Apia toll road, there were huge chiseled granite hoardings depicting Roman Chariots & Centurions covered in steam and water. The pay off line was: “IF YOUR CHARIOT IS PUMPING STEAM - YOU’VE GOT A HOLE IN YOUR GLADIATOR”

As the victorious 50 000 strong Roman army lead by Emperor Angostino Dickus marched into Pakistan, he realized they had missed a turning. The Emperor, amidst roars from the crowd, dismounted his stead and declared ‘I will make an Elephant Soup!’
So without further hesitation, his trusted Centurions brought him a huge bull Elephant and the Emperor was pleased. After 3 jovial hours of drinking and cleaning up, the Emperor and the Elephant toasted Rome. To the blare of a hundred trumpets the Centurion chefs wheeled in the biggest and most amazing minestrone soup with croutons, topped with mozzarella, which the Emperor served to the Elephant in the best silver of the time.

The Emperor had kept his word – he’d made an Elephant Soup.