Making a television commercial is never easy; the transfer from the script to the moving image is a long, drawn-out journey with frustrations and insecurities locking onto you like refrigerator magnets.

Shooting on sets and film lots cuts a Director’s anxiety by about 50% because of the controlled environment, so with the support of a bunch of strong Assistant Directors, the Director can concentrate on getting the shot and ‘perfect’ performance. On ‘Action!’ everything hopefully happens as rehearsed: the traffic moves, the extras walk through frame, down the far end of the street people are buying newspapers, small children are playing, cops are directing traffic, the lead actors are giving a great performance – what a day it’s been. You’re happy and remember, ‘a happy Director is as rare as rocking horse doo-doo’.

Now, let’s do a simple comparison with what will double a Director’s anxiety, add a couple of notches to his blood pressure and increase his Jack Daniels consumption by at least 30%. ‘How do you achieve this Bill, I’ve always wanted my blood pressure up there’? I hear you mutter sarcastically.

It’s easy - film the same movie that you shot on the lot, in the middle of New York on a week day – Times Square or Wall Street should be fun. I have shot several movies in big cities and every one of them has been a nightmare in one way or another. Choreographing three blocks of a NY street – need I say more?

If you’ve got a good budget, you solve a lot of your problems with CG (Computer Graphics), where the software can change backgrounds and even people. They can multiply people or change the existing ones. Hey, do you remember the scene from the epic movie TROY where thousands of Roman soldiers march across the valley? Ooops, sorry to burst your bubble, the thousands of soldiers started with a couple of matchstick men and were duplicated by a computer genius in Hollywood. I don’t know about you, but the thought of that is similar to feeling bad breast implants. What happened to Roman Gladiators on mean looking Chariots charging at camera, with screaming Centurions falling off their horses clutching at spears lodged in their groin? Julius Caesar was also there throwing Christians to the lions. It was all live and real and actually more horrific than the CG version.

A couple of years ago, I did exactly what I promised myself I’d never do – I shot live on a Johannesburg street. It was a scene that involved a trained Zebra as the lead. The crew nicknamed him Zee (Zee for Zebra). Zee was a very sweet Zebra as Zebras go and a pretty good performer too (much like his trainer) and the action was simple. We were filming at a pedestrian crossing with stacks of cars and dozens of bored extras and Zee had to follow two dear elderly Ladies across the Zebra crossing onto the pavement. It was some obscure product which I cannot recall – in any case, the ladies had to turn around and react in amazement at a ‘live Zebra crossing’. I realize this is insanity folks, but try to keep up, this is what I do for a living.

The rehearsals were perfect and I decided to get one in the can. Action! I shouted as the two old dears started to hobble across the street, followed by Zee. Suddenly the ladies stopped for no reason, forcing Zee to stop as well. He was now framed in extreme close-up. The Director of Photography, one of the most experienced wild adventure cinematographers, muttered to me quietly in his dry understated way : ‘He’s going to take a dump’.

I must make this quite clear, I am no expert on wild animal bowel movements, but I did observe his elevated tail as well a somewhat vague expression in his eyes…a distant look of anticipation. Before I could say Gerry Bruckheimer, Zee offloaded his cargo in front of camera.

I will never forget hearing one of the Zee-bespattered old ladies uttering, ‘What time is lunch?’

Hey, I’m off to take a shower.