I guess about five years ago a whole bunch of people at NASA (short for Never Ask Someone Anything) decided to take a strange looking radio controlled children’s toy they’d invented down to the local school as an experiment to attract, and test the abilities of children suffering from the ‘short attention span’ syndrome common to all. The people from NASA were scientists, they were employed to turn children’s games and fantasies into reality.
The bullet-proof vest of the Principal Hymie Goldstein glowed in the late afternoon sun as he delivered the opening speech to welcome NASA. With thunderous applause from teachers and pupils, the test flight began.

There was a buzz of anticipation as technicians attended to final details – then without warning the Phoenix suddenly rose and hovered above the classroom.
The children were overwhelmed by this radio controlled electric chair that zoomed around the room, hovering over teachers and pupils alike. There was an incredible re-action from the kids, they laughed uncontrollably - in sheer delight.

Caught up in the moment, some of the 8 year old kids stabbed their friends, others read ‘The Secret And The Law Of Attraction’ and some opened fire with shotguns and Magnums. One particular kid who looked like a miniature George Bush fired a cluster bomb at the space probe in his excitement. It hit Aghmat Faarood a history teacher and free lance pedophile in the groin and fortunately failed to go off.
Aghmat in excruciating pain clutching his testicles and surrounding rancid accessories, moaned and screamed so loud that people for miles around closed their shops and went to prayers.
NASA felt the event was a howling success and their 250 members decided to build a bigger and better flying electric chair called the Phoenix Mars Probe.
Within a week an urgent meeting was called at NASA to discuss the budget for the development of the project. Because of the $422 million budget restraint there were heated discussions on where to send the probe once completed.

One scientist suggested they send it under the cover of darkness into Lancaster County Pennsylvania and scare the crap out of the Amish Community, another thought it would be a good idea to hover over Neverland and spy on Michael Jackson – a suggestion rejected by everyone. The Phoenix would not be able to operate in a room with Michael and 26 children.

Another scientist Harriet ‘who’s your daddy’ Fenwick, NASA’s leading late night proctologist suggested an after midnight ‘dial a probe’ service for prostrate sufferers. After a lengthy debate, it was rejected – based on his current police record.

Jacques Delwin a French scientist who published the best seller ‘How to Implode Your Colon on the Late Night Underground’ suggested that the probe should hover over starving people around the entire world firing Bananas down their throats, with our advanced technology we could feed millions and millions of people on our planet.
Jacques was immediately escorted into the garden and executed.

Finally the vote was unanimous – let’s send the Phoenix to Mars – why? – just because we can.
Our beloved planet has always been host to UFO visits, and this brings me to my next point. Please pay attention here folks.
The Aliens have been visiting us for decades, with sightings from all around the world. Over the years the credibility of the people who have seen UFO’s has varied between farm workers, shepherds, accountants, quantity surveyors, unmarried Catholic mothers, priests, and airline pilots - all your typical ‘run of the mill’ members of our society.
Some folks however, like Jimi Hendrix Janis Joplin, River Phoenix and Jim Morrison saw UFO’s frequently. Presently folks like Keith Richards, and Ozzie Osborne (to mention a few) are seeing UFO’s on an hourly basis.

I believe Alien Pilots are either dumb or blonde.
Why do they plan their sightings in the most remote areas?
Why don’t they land at Disney World or in the middle of 42nd Street N Y? - maybe on the San Francisco Bridge?

Come down and say hello guys!

I can understand why they won’t refuel on earth, at $137 a barrel - get a life.
Another important factor is they can’t pop in and buy a pair of Dolce & Cabana sunglasses because the three protruding eyes is a problem.

On a sighting in Alabama, late one night, a mother ship that lost its way landed in a cornfield opposite a gas station. The Martians approached a petrol pump and asked directions. After a couple of minutes they received no answers and decided to move on.. Martian Fred said to Martian George: ‘Never trust an earthling with his penis in his ear’

UFO’s have been sighted by space shuttle astronauts, but who in their right mind would believe someone who’s just taken a dump in his space suit?
They’ve hovered over London, they’ve visited South Africa – but where and who are they?
Okay, my big question is why are the best sightings of Aliens and UFO’s over redneck towns that have a population of 20 married couples? (10 of them being brother and sister). I just don’t get it.

With a $422 million capital injection from NASA the Phoenix Mars space probe was developed and finally left earth on its 78 million kilometer journey. It took years to get to the stormy planet, about the same time it takes to get from London to Brighton by car.
On the 23rd May 2008 it touched down on the Mars surface after a textbook landing. Now don’t let me burst your bubble, what has not been released to the international press is - the Phoenix landed on a giant turd with French fries next to a McDonalds wrapper.

GODDAM IT! THESE REDNECKS ARE EVERYWHERE!