If you think about it there are a lot of things you can do if you only have one arm. You can pick your nose successfully, you can punch someone just as long as they drop and stay down. If they get up you can hail a cab with one hand and get the hell out of there. You can direct traffic at your local intersection as long as your uncle owns a panel beating shop. Foreplay with Siamese twins joined at the hip could take some time but maybe you have some leave due.

You could also conduct the Viennese Symphony with only half the orchestra playing and you would also be in great demand at Heathrow Airport parking the new Airbus A380. You could be the guy in white overhauls wearing cool sun glasses listening to U 2 on his headphones with a table tennis bat in each hand. That would be cool but a one handed airport parking technician would look like a table tennis instructor on crack? Not a good job for a person with one arm.

Don’t feel like a social outcast if you only have one arm, many famous people throughout history only used one arm, even if they had two. Napoleon always kept his left arm tucked under his tunic, God knows what he was doing but he smiled a lot. It is recorded that during one of his most famous battles he was asked ‘Where are your armies? Napoleon replied cutely ‘At the end of my sleevies’

Another ‘one armed bandit’ was Adolf Hitler who won the Nobel prize for inventing the famous march called the goose step. He also created the straight arm salute and was renowned for simultaneously kicking both legs up into the air during the goose step, often falling on his Auschwitz, breaking his 2nd Reich and severely bruising his 3rd.

Nero another ‘one arm bandit’ was the first Roman to take Viagra and wore flowing robes with no underwear (the gold encrusted sandals were always a dead give a way) Nero was bi-sexual (if he couldn’t get it he would buy it) and was so overwhelmed by the reaction of the blue pill that Rome burnt down while he was fiddling. After the fire at a meeting of the Senate Nero was instructed by his elders to get a grip on himself and he replied with Latin sub titles ‘Helloooo - that’s what caused the fire darling’.

Another famous leader who only uses one hand is Robert Mugabe. The infamous slow exterminator of the Zimbabwean people - Mugabe makes Adolf Hitler look like Mary Poppins. As you are aware in March this year he lost an election to the MDC and it took his regime so long to fiddle the ballot that by the time some of the results were announced most of the voters had died of old age.
Mugabe, an exponent of peaceful democratic change realized he was losing the election and announced to the world that Zimbabwe would ignore the opposition completely, because it was a load of contrived, colonial, western bollocks, spearheaded by Gordon Brown and George Bush.
Democratic change is what Bob is all about and to make sure this process is adhered to, he has announced that his people will go to the polls every two weeks until they learnt how to get it right.
At one stage during the run off ZANU PF authorities monitoring the process decided to bring in 82 of Robert’s wives to bolster the vote, it is not common knowledge that one of bob’s wives is President Thabo Mbeki’s sister in law which explains the holding of hands – if you get my drift?

The United Nations were abhorred by Mugabe’s actions and summoned its members to an emergency meeting in Geneva where they all nodded off for the week. However, on the last day of the summit someone popped a paper packet startling the members into temporary consciousness - in the confusion they approved a $12 billion loan to Osama bin Laden’s flying academy in Pakistan – a much better cause than Mugabe would you agree?.

In the meantime Morgan Tsvangeri fearing for his life booked in at the Dutch Embassy B&B in Harare, gate crashing a cheese sampling party by accident. The blue cheese was so good Morgan decided to stay on and the Dutch Ambassador agreed on condition that he did a cholesterol test in the morning.
Zimbabwean police arrested Tendai Biti at his home after discovering posters of Robert Mugabe in his toilet. ‘Wipe that smile off his face’ the arresting officer was heard to utter as they marched him away. Two hours later he was found guilty of treason and sentenced to death. If the power is restored in time and the police have enough petrol to get him to the electric chair he will be executed before the 5th presidential run off scheduled for mid September.
It is also rumoured that President Bush is sending the CIA into Zimbabwe to build small oil dams in the rural areas. But, Bill there is no oil in Zimbabwe? – you might be asking. This is correct but remember if the USA can hide enough oil around the country this would provide them with a good enough reason to invade Zimbabwe and overthrow the Mugabe regime on the pretense of finding ‘Depots of Mass Distribution’

Tapes released to the press a couple of days ago revealed a recording of a discussion between Tsvangeri and Tendai Biti over dinner, as the waiter placed the food on the table Tsvangeri said ‘I hate Mugabe’ and Tendai replied ‘Well just eat the potatoes and beans’
So you see, throughout our history people have been using one hand with startling results and recently president Mugabe has been added to the international hall of fame.